Though in the beginning this blog was meant mostly as a confession of consumerism and lessons in style, it has become my place to confess my failings, doubts, victories, moments of hilarity and seriousness in more than style and fashion. All this in an effort NOT to hide, but mostly because it keeps me sane. Because of this, I would be remiss not to confess some of my more serious fears. Not so much my irrational fear of driving down back roads late at night (though that fear is completely true and totally valid), it’s the heavier felt fears. The ones I would rather not admit because they make me feel weaker, more vulnerable. Although driving down back roads really does make me feel vulnerable. Watch The Strangers and tell me if you don’t feel a teensy bit more vulnerable next time you’re in the middle of the woods. But the reality is that confessing my obsession with Apple is much easier to confront than my obsession and fear with the future.
Recently there has been a rash of pregnancies, births and adoptions among my friends. With that, I am constantly reminded of the proverbial biological clock ticking. Good God it ticks really loud. I had no idea what this even meant before. I simply nodded in agreement rather than admit I lacked an ounce of empathetic understanding when it came to these matters. A clock? What does that even mean? But now I feel it with each day that passes. A silent call that says, time is running out. With each birth announcement and baby shower, my anxiety level spikes. It’s this secret fear that life is somehow passing me by. That I’m missing out on something. It has everything to do with this crazy role of motherhood that I had no idea would tug at me as well as everything to do with my need to carve out my place in this world.
A couple of points to clarify. First the majority of these crazy feelings have everything to do with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of missing out. Fear of the uncertain. Not being able to guarantee an outcome. Fear of not being in control. Crazy making fear that invades every part of life.
Secondly, this isn’t a post on infertility. It’s just a post about being a mom and what that means for me. It has everything to do with a role that I NEVER imagined I would crave and how I proceed into the future. I never had a deep need to have babies. I know, it’s almost like saying I don’t like puppies and that kittens aren’t cute. I’m also not the person that fights other women to hold your baby. Again with the puppies and kittens. Seriously though, I wanted to hold my baby, but I never really had a deep desire to hold anyone else’s baby unless it was to help out. But no holding for holding’s sake. I’m sure that makes me a bit odd, but such is life. I just didn’t grow up around babies. Barbies, yes. Babies, no.
All this to say that it’s quite shocking to me that I would want more children and that this crazy clock would freak me out so much. How does a clock freak you out if you didn’t even think it mattered? Suddenly it matters. Which is why…I’ve been avoiding this. It’s so much easier to talk about Apple products people. So much easier.