Complicating things

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Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realize you’ve complicated things?

Maybe you turned a small informal gathering into a high pressure five course fiasco that really isn’t you at all.

Maybe it was an opportunity to teach your child a lesson that only backfired and became a moment of shaming your child?

Or maybe it was a simple story or explanation that went too far because you wanted it to be the best story/explanation that was ever told on the face of the earth. You’re sure a nobel prize will follow suit. Except that you tried so hard to tell the best story that it fell flat on its face.

Maybe it’s human nature. At least I hope it is. What other valid explanation could there be? It certainly isn’t a mark of a need for continued growth? Right?

Alas, I was going back through old blog posts and realized that in my mind I have complicated this blog. I’m sure it comes across in some of my writings, but mostly I see it in the lack of writing. My worry is that the posts are grouped well, don’t have any kind of rhyme or reason unless you count daily musings on our life or the random thoughts and conversations I have as a genre. I’ve become so preoccupied on what the blog should be that I’ve stopped enjoying it for “fun and for free”. It’s no longer life inspiring art and art inspiring life. It’s complicated. And it what it really means is less writing.

It’s like when I worry so much about the future of our daughter that I miss the moment at hand. Instead I send her to watch tv so I can concentrate on her future. It also happens in Crossfit when I think here is no way I can do that workout. I mull it over in my head so much that I’ve convinced myself I can’t do it before I even try it. I’m not sure why I complicate things. I like to think it’s human nature, but it’s probably just a need for growth. And maybe it’s even more of a need for acceptance. To accept myself as I am without complicated demands of who I think I should be in order to fit in or be liked.

Or it’s 12 am and I’m wondering why I haven’t written anything in a while (D. All of the Above). And I’m dreading the morning because I won’t be able to get up at a decent hour in the morning. Let’s not start on the fact that I just lost some brain cells watching more episodes of Sons of Anarchy Season 4. Maybe. Or maybe I’m just complicated and I can sometimes complicated because thinking is often easier than doing.

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