Empty Threats – the latest in parenting techniques


It’s days like yesterday when the empty threats come out. You know the days.

The baby will not stay still while you are trying to change a severe diaper. Dear Baby – I don’t want your poop on me. Anywhere. Please stop moving or this will not end well for either of us.

You attend your child’s school field trip only to have a high drama moment. When I woke up that morning I thought, I can’t wait to be tested in my ability to stay calm in front of teachers, kids and other parents. Yes, that’s totally what I was going for.

Then the baby refuses to nap for very long. I know it’s not your fault that I walked in at just the right moment in your sleep cycle and hearing the door caused you to wake up. And it’s not your fault that your granddad has a difficult time hearing and has a loud voice. Yeah, that’s right, I’m looking at you dad. You totally need a hearing aid. No, really.

It dawns on you that you have a million (or what feels like a million) things that need to be done before December 2nd, one of which includes, but is not limited to, a 6 hour online defensive driving course. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

You haven’t had a decent workout or yoga session in weeks which is both guilt inducing and frustrating. In desperation, you commit to not watching tv. Ever. Again. As well as waking up, wait, scratch that, never sleeping again so you have more time for yourself.  Which of course is doomed from the beginning.  Isn’t there a new episode of Walking Dead to watch?

Dinner. What’s that? Cook a healthy dinner? Just give me another cup of coffee to make it through the rest of the day.

So yes, sweet daughter of mine, when you wouldn’t give me the iPod at dinner time, I did threaten to sell it/get rid of it/throw it away. And I did use the words, “so help me”. I’m sure you guessed it, but, yes, that was totally an empty threat. I won’t be selling/getting rid of/trashing the iPod because i will lose money on that deal and a bit of sanity in those moments when I do need you to be entertained (GASP) by an electronic device.

Maybe I’ll start threatening her with adulthood and “I hope your kids do this to you” retaliation.  That should work, right?

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